In Search of Self

One of the things that I do not enjoy about meeting new people is having to introduce myself. What do I say? What do I share? Which parts of myself do I want to give this complete stranger access to?

I have come to realise that part of this internal struggle is because my identity is so fragmented that even I struggle to integrate the different parts of myself. I was recently reminded of Genesis 1:26-27

“Then God said, “Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness; let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.” So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.” ‭‭Genesis‬ ‭1‬:‭26‬-‭27‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

I have been sitting in this truth for a few weeks. I was created in His image. To be like Him. I have searched for my identity for over 3 decades, looking for it in other people, in my achievements, in my failures, in my aspirations, my talents, my quirks, and so on. Seeking but not finding, because all of the other ways fall short, some more so than others.

What does it mean to have my identity rooted in God though? Why would that be different than all of the other approaches? Psalm 139 puts into words what I cannot find the words to express. He knew me before I was even formed. He covered me in my mother’s womb. No one knows me like Him. He will be with me always. I am in His hands. My life is in His hands.

“Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, The days fashioned for me, When as yet there were none of them.” ‭‭Psalms‬ ‭139‬:‭16‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

The wisdom is written in His word. The search for self should start with the One who created me. The One who knew me when I was yet unformed. The One whose book has all my days written in it even before I had any days.

This is such a disruptive, counter-cultural perspective. Everywhere I turn I can see the yearning for wholeness and sense of self. The searchlight is focused on the self and society – career, self-actualisation, community, talents, hobbies, popularity, uniqueness. Everything is relative.

But God…He is immutable. He is inerrant. He is everything, everywhere, at once! His is the narrow path. The eye of the needle. But that’s what I signed up for almost 6 years ago when I said yes to a transformed life. But to truly step into that transformed life means stepping out of my old life – a life that I have walked for over 30 years. That process has been harder than I expected. The strong pull of the internal resistance to let go of my former self and to accept the new, transformed me that is aligned with who God created me to be – this has been tough.

Over the last year it has felt like my old self has been clinging on by the fingernails, and those nails are digging in. Fear of loss is a strong motivator. Fear of unbecoming. Fear of loss of control. Fear of the unknown. And yet despite my resistance, there is that still calm voice that calls to me and says “Trust Me”

He is a good Father. The best! So as I continue to rip my fingernails off the ledge one at a time, I will hold Romans 8:28 in my heart.

#Faith #reflections