Burned out, but didn’t even know it

As I closed out the first year as a PhD student, I was swamped and overwhelmed with finals, family things, and just overall life. It felt as if I was circling the rim, but I held on to the hope of the end being in sight. Freedom on the other side of all of my submissions. I buckled down and pushed through (my poor husband was burdened with everything else around the house). I limped to the finish line, but at the end of the day, I reached the finish line. When I finally hit ‘submit’ on that last assignment, I was relieved! It was over. Time to rest. But I didn’t. Not really.

I cleaned the house. I set tasks for other household errands. I got ready for an upcoming 10-day Summer Institute (which was a lot more intense than I imagined it would be). I planned family outings and activities because “Summer baby, woohoo!” I planned writing and research targets to push external projects that had stalled during the semester. I signed on to co-author a proposal for submission in 6 weeks. And some other stuff that I cannot recall.

I gave myself ONE day to rest and recover. ONE. After 6 months of go, go go! I thought it would be enough to shut down for a day. But beyond that, I thought I couldn’t afford to take off more than one day. There was so much to do. So much to carry that had been left to fall to the side when I was hyper-focused on finishing the semester strong. It didn’t take long for me to shut down. My body. My mind. My emotions. Every system just gave up on me. HARD!

This was not new to me. I have lived a grind-breakdown-patch it up-grind cycle for most of my adult life. I am tired. My body is tired. This cycle is unhealthy, and I know it. Since the start of the pandemic, this cycle has gotten faster and faster. So rather than breaking down after a few months, it is at least once a month. There have been times where I have rested fully. Stepped away and it was so restorative. But the grinder in me took that as an opportunity to go even harder when I got back. Sadly, by not letting myself recover, I have noticed that I am functioning at a slowly reducing capacity over time. My 100% today is nowhere near my 100% five years ago.

The cycle has to stop because my life is not getting any easier and I have to find a healthy way to get things done (so to speak). I have been described as a workaholic, and I can’t deny that I do have those tendencies. But I also recognise the toxicity of hustle and grind culture. I want to break out. I need to unlearn what has become a natural inclination to work, work, and work harder. I have to learn to rest. Properly.

I have started reading “Every Good Endeavor” by Timothy Keller as a gateway to biblical principles around work. I know that I cannot hope to find a solution by myself. I have been trying, unsuccessfully, for the last couple of years and can safely admit that I cannot do it by my own strength. I know that God has blessed me with the hats I am wearing, and therefore the only way to balance them is to be led by Him. 

#balance #burnout #rest #selfcare